I got 99 problems, but being skinny isn't one.

When I was thinking about writing this entry, and contemplating the number 99, this song (and I wouldn't blast it in your work cubicle) kept running through my head.

Since the beginning/middle of last summer (2011) I have lost 99 pounds. I'm one pound away from a pretty big milestone, and I'm excited, but also a bit scared. the first half of my journey seemed somewhat effortless at times. I won't lie and say there weren't hard days, but I was focused and driven 24/7. This summer made me struggle. A lot. And I know my weight loss struggled because of it.

The biggest thing I had to adjust to was loosing constant contact with my best friend. She is the one person that truly keeps me grounded and focused. This summer, I realized rather quickly that I was rather reliant on the immediate feedback and support I had from her. Sending photos of my exciting breakfast creations made me motivated to eat breakfast every day- and make it something worthwhile. But with her spending her summer in the midst of a military academy Boot Camp, I had to muster up a whole boatload of internal motivation. And that's not always easy. But I managed. And she has her phone back, and while some things have had to change, out of situational necessity, knowing she's more readily accessible has helped get me back on track.

Also, being in an environment where everyone makes poor food choices is NOT the best environment to work and live in. Seriously. I know what helps me is control. I need control and planning to function in a healthy way. If not things go rather poorly. And I end up in the situation I started in. So it's hard to go out with people when time off always revolves around food and a night off is a trip to Dunkin Donuts or the local ice cream place. It's rough. And while I know I did fairly well considering, I did so much better last year, so I know I'm capable of better. And not being able to make my own food and use my food scale (in grams) and measuring spoons led to some questionable guesstimating. But it made me realize what works for me and what I need to be successful.

So part of this all is why I think coming back to blogging is the part of the support I need. I know that feedback helps me be successful, because while doing it for yourself is important I like sharing the process. So there we go.

As much as this entry is focused on numbers, this journey's been so much more to me. I look at the motivational stories on Sparkpeople and realize I've lost more than some of them. That's such a strange thought because that always seemed like such an unattainable concept. I'm healthier than I've probably ever been since elementary school.

And it's only going to keep getting better :)

Some Weeks Will be Tough: The Bad

This week has been very up and down. Literally and figuratively.

My best friend/ motivator is on vacation this week and it's been hard not checking in with her all day. I knew it was going to be hard, but I thought I was stronger. The first few days were good- my weight's been up and down for the last few weeks, hovering around 240 +/-1, so I was trying not to focus on the numbers. I did a  4 mile walk on both Wednesday and Thursday. And I've been kinda stressed out with school/work so I forgot how much that helps me zone out and focus on myself for a bit.


The low point would probably be yesterday around 3pm. I was early for an appointment and I was sitting in my car, and I had a brownie sitting next to me. At least let me say I did not buy the brownie. It was a gift from a friend (who hasn't spent much time around me lately cause then she'd know that's not exactly on my food wish list. But she gave it to me. I left it in my car. It was individually wrapped, purchased off of QVC. It sat in my car for 18 days. I just realized how long that is. That kind of makes it more gross. But I ate it. All of it. And I wasn't hungry. I tried to stop halfway through, but I kept eating. I hate feeling out of control with food, and I haven't felt like that in a very long time. The last time I binged was around July of last year. And although I realize one coconut topped brownie baked by Satan isn't a binge, I just recognized that out of control feeling and couldn't handle it. It's been awhile since I've had to "write off a day" but that was yesterday. And I went home and ate dinner, 1 cup of ww pasta and 1 cup roasted vegetables, which isn't terrible, but if I could have skipped dinner without people questioning me, I would have. I ended up about 1700 for the day which isn't terrible, but I try to stick at 1200-1300 everyday. And when I looked at the scale today, I saw the consequences. 239.5, whereas I was 238.3 yesterday. And I know weight fluctuates daily, but I also know that fluctuation is all on me.

The worst part about it? After my walk I weighed myself. 237.5. That's my official halfway point. Halfway to goal. I guess I have to deal with some latent self-sabotage issues.


I also had some good things happen this week- I'll post about them later, because there's been good things, and I can't forget those either.

I want to weigh as much as a 5th grader.

Well at least this fifth grader. Now for some people, that may be unrealistically unhealthy. For someone with my weight history, that's the top of the healthy range for a 5'7 female. It's frustrating to think that I've always been overweight, minus the first 5 or so years of my life. So I mean I do have skinny photos...but I'm 3.

And because of this, I realize that with every pound I lose, I'm literally turning back time. Right now, I can't say I ever remember weighing as much (or as little) as I do now. I have vague recollections of the numbers 206 and 236, but that's probably beginning of high school or even possibly the end of middle school. I was 274 pounds when I started Weight Watchers my junior year. So this is truly uncharted territory. My first pair of jeans was a size 16 (much of my youth was spent in leggings and oversize t-shirts... it was the 90s). I now own a pair of pants that are a size 14. 1-4. Now in all fairness, I will admit- they run big, but the last time I saw a 4 on a tag, it was preceded by a 2. 

The last recorded weight I've discovered pre-Weight Watchers was on a 4th grade medical summary I dug out last summer. I weighed 140 pounds. As a 9 year old. So by setting a weight goal of 159, I'm pushing 5th grade right there. For the first time, it feels attainable.

 I have less than 100 pounds to lose. Right now it is 86.2.

That number is strangely ironic, because that is the first weight I remember- in kindergarten. I remember sneaking into my parents' bedroom to weigh myself before a shower, cause there was a scale there and well when you stepped on it, the dial moved and told you a number which was really awesome. My number was 86. I was about 5 years old.

So here I am, twenty years later, and I'm trying to lose that kindergarten me. And the layers of myself that I've accumulated since then. Cause for me, that's what my weight and food did for me- protected me. And somehow it took me 25 years to get to the point where I realized I didn't need that anymore.

Setting a Goal

So I've thought a lot throughout this journey about setting a goal. For me, the main issue is health. I want to be proud when I go to the doctor, not cry when they confront me about my weight (that even happened once when I went in with an ear infection). So being a size [whatever] is a nice perk, but not my goal.

But I think it's important to have something to aim for. I'm the type of person that needs to see numbers and statistics. I would make excel graphs all day if I could. But that's me. So having a set number as my goal is important to me.

My number is 159. According to most of the research I've done it's the very top of the "normal range" for my height (5'7). It's also not far off from the Weight Watchers goal weight they gave me in high school (158). It would make my BMI about 29.9. Now I know BMI is controversial in a number of ways. It basically only takes into account height and weight and doesn't necessarily equate with overall health.  There are tons of BMI calculators on the web, so take your pick- but my personal suggestion is to try a few and pick a number in between if you're getting differing results

Now I also want to say, when I reach 159, that doesn't mean I'm calling it quits. I think that's something important to remember. Whenever I set a goal and reach it, I reassess and figure out what my new goal is. Maybe it'll be maintaining, but I'll have to make that decision when I get there. I just want to get out of the unhealthy ranges.

Goals don't have to be numbers. Sometimes goals are achievements. One of mine was to go into a store and be able to just shop in the regular section. Notwithstanding the stretchy XXL t-shirt in the regular section, cause that's totally a cheat. But be able to go in and try something unforgiving, like a pair of jeans. That happened for me in the fall. I went into an Old Navy. I was so self-conscious thinking people were looking at me wondering what I was doing shopping in the store. As some background, the last pair of jeans I had purchased were a size 24. So I nervously went and grabbed the largest size they had- a 20. They were too big. I contained my excitement and basically ran from the dressing room back to the shelf and grabbed an 18. They fit. I was wearing jeans that were not the biggest size in the store. I cried. Literally. I was standing in an Old Navy dressing room, in pants I didn't own, crying.

Now those jeans require a belt. So goals are different for everyone, but considering having not only numeric goals, but life goals too. What are your goals?

First

So I've tried at blogs before.

I've tried to write for other people, figuring out what they wanted. And then after abandoning blog after blog, I realized that wasn't working.

So this is an experiment of sorts. To try and write solely for me and invite whomever stumbles across this blog, along for the ride.

So about me. I am a twenty-something grad student with a history of terrible eating habits. Then, last summer, it all changed. I stopped my pattern of disordered -and to be quite blunt about it binge- eating. I was never diagnosed, because I never sought help, but when you meet basically all the criteria, you know something's not right.

I wish I could tell you precisely what changed in my life so you could replicate it and be successful, but I can't. Mostly because I can't pinpoint it entirely myself, but also in part because this journey is so personal that what motivates me may be meaningless to you.

Over the summer, I spent some time with a friend who was a really great role model. I don't think they even realize what an impact they had on me, but in just doing what they do, it really inspired me to rethink the way I thought about food and health. Maybe sometime, when I get enough courage, I'll thank them. I'm really kind of private with my goals and successes (and failures), but I'll get into that later.

I've flirted with vegetarianism for about the last 6 years, but out of convenience to others,  I never stuck with it. (If you notice, the theme of me trying to do things for other people- it's a recurring one). But I've been vegetarian since last summer now. I'll be entirely honest, my motivations are primarily taste. I just don't like meat. I was the kind of person that would dissect meat if there were veins or discolored bits. And as much as I love to cook, the closest I would get to a piece of raw meat was a pair of tongs. The other part  is health related. I find that when I stay away from meat, I generally eat healthier things. It almost forces me to be more conscious of my food choices, and when I do that I generally make better decisions.

I've lost 64.9 pounds since last July. That is more weight than every single previous attempt. Combined. I still have a long way to go. But I no longer weigh 316 pounds. And although there's still a bit of anxiety when I say that, it's outweighed (ha!) by the pride.