Saturday, April 21, 2012

Some Weeks Are Tough... But You Get Through Them: The Good

Sometimes, you have to remember where you were to appreciate where you are. I'm not at my goal weight yet. I'm still 2 pesky pounds away from even being halfway. But I can do it.

I was listening to someone speak about addiction recovery the other night and it really got me thinking about this. He keeps a photo of what he looked like at his worst on his cell phone, so he never forgets where he started out.

I take a ton of unflattering progress photos. Except strangely, I can't really see the weight loss, unless I'm wearing the same outfit and I see how it hangs differently, or how much I have to tie back the waistline of a dress (dresses with tieback waists are the only thing saving my previous summer wardrobe right now). I had to get rid of almost all my skirts. Things like that make the crappy days manageable. Because I know I will never feel as bad as that again.

Last night I wore a pair of size 12 jeans. Now admittedly, they're stretchy and a bit too tight around the waist, but that is half the size I wore this time last year. I actually owned a few 26s. So when I make a mistake or manage to rediscover a pound I've lost, I have to look at these things to remember it's not the end of the world. In fact, it's only the beginning.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Some Weeks Will be Tough: The Bad

This week has been very up and down. Literally and figuratively.

My best friend/ motivator is on vacation this week and it's been hard not checking in with her all day. I knew it was going to be hard, but I thought I was stronger. The first few days were good- my weight's been up and down for the last few weeks, hovering around 240 +/-1, so I was trying not to focus on the numbers. I did a  4 mile walk on both Wednesday and Thursday. And I've been kinda stressed out with school/work so I forgot how much that helps me zone out and focus on myself for a bit.

The low point would probably be yesterday around 3pm. I was early for an appointment and I was sitting in my car, and I had a brownie sitting next to me. At least let me say I did not buy the brownie. It was a gift from a friend (who hasn't spent much time around me lately cause then she'd know that's not exactly on my food wish list. But she gave it to me. I left it in my car. It was individually wrapped, purchased off of QVC. It sat in my car for 18 days. I just realized how long that is. That kind of makes it more gross. But I ate it. All of it. And I wasn't hungry. I tried to stop halfway through, but I kept eating. I hate feeling out of control with food, and I haven't felt like that in a very long time. The last time I binged was around July of last year. And although I realize one coconut topped brownie baked by Satan isn't a binge, I just recognized that out of control feeling and couldn't handle it. It's been awhile since I've had to "write off a day" but that was yesterday. And I went home and ate dinner, 1 cup of ww pasta and 1 cup roasted vegetables, which isn't terrible, but if I could have skipped dinner without people questioning me, I would have. I ended up about 1700 for the day which isn't terrible, but I try to stick at 1200-1300 everyday. And when I looked at the scale today, I saw the consequences. 239.5, whereas I was 238.3 yesterday. And I know weight fluctuates daily, but I also know that fluctuation is all on me.

The worst part about it? After my walk I weighed myself. 237.5. That's my official halfway point. Halfway to goal. I guess I have to deal with some latent self-sabotage issues.

I also had some good things happen this week- I'll post about them later, because there's been good things, and I can't forget those either.