I want to weigh as much as a 5th grader.

Well at least this fifth grader. Now for some people, that may be unrealistically unhealthy. For someone with my weight history, that's the top of the healthy range for a 5'7 female. It's frustrating to think that I've always been overweight, minus the first 5 or so years of my life. So I mean I do have skinny photos...but I'm 3.

And because of this, I realize that with every pound I lose, I'm literally turning back time. Right now, I can't say I ever remember weighing as much (or as little) as I do now. I have vague recollections of the numbers 206 and 236, but that's probably beginning of high school or even possibly the end of middle school. I was 274 pounds when I started Weight Watchers my junior year. So this is truly uncharted territory. My first pair of jeans was a size 16 (much of my youth was spent in leggings and oversize t-shirts... it was the 90s). I now own a pair of pants that are a size 14. 1-4. Now in all fairness, I will admit- they run big, but the last time I saw a 4 on a tag, it was preceded by a 2. 

The last recorded weight I've discovered pre-Weight Watchers was on a 4th grade medical summary I dug out last summer. I weighed 140 pounds. As a 9 year old. So by setting a weight goal of 159, I'm pushing 5th grade right there. For the first time, it feels attainable.

 I have less than 100 pounds to lose. Right now it is 86.2.

That number is strangely ironic, because that is the first weight I remember- in kindergarten. I remember sneaking into my parents' bedroom to weigh myself before a shower, cause there was a scale there and well when you stepped on it, the dial moved and told you a number which was really awesome. My number was 86. I was about 5 years old.

So here I am, twenty years later, and I'm trying to lose that kindergarten me. And the layers of myself that I've accumulated since then. Cause for me, that's what my weight and food did for me- protected me. And somehow it took me 25 years to get to the point where I realized I didn't need that anymore.

How to Deal with Binge Eating

If you read my first entry, you know that my relationship with food hasn't always been a healthy one. And it's taken awhile to get to a point where I do have a healthier outlook in regards to my eating. For a really long time I'd eat unhealthy junk, and I'd know exactly why I was eating it, but I just kept cycling and let's just say my coping skills were called "Eat and Repeat".

And I had my skills. I'd rationalize it to myself in my head, like "Oh, you're buying a dozen donuts to bring to work, right?". Well, that's what I was hoping the cashier was thinking. And I'd only buy junk food at stores with self-checkouts. I've never admitted any of this until now, actually, but I think it's important. Because if you do this kind of stuff, you're not alone. And that's really how I felt for a long time. I knew exactly what I was doing to myself, and how terrible I'd feel afterwards, but I'd still do it. And I felt like I was the only one.

I know this was the one big thing that kept me from being successful every time before. And before I could get healthier, I knew this was something I'd have to confront. So I did. And I did it on my own. But I don't recommend it.  If I were to do it again, I would have sought counseling. Because as much as this is about food, it's about what's going on emotionally. And I know I could have gotten to this point a lot sooner had I taken that step.

If you're not sure if you're ready to take the step of going to see someone or maybe you're not sure it's a problem. I have a few first steps that worked for me. And if anything about my story sounds familiar, I can only hope they may help you.

• Start to take a look at your eating patterns. If you're not doing it already, write down what/how much you're eating. Everything. When you have to write down that you ate 21 cookies, that's hard. 
• Buy a scale. Use it. Even now, I still try and think about cheating myself. But if I'm weighing what I'm eating, I have a harder time rationalizing it to myself. It's a lot easier to lie to yourself when something "looks" like a cup. It's really not a cup. 
• Look at why you're eating. My suggestion is to put another little column next to your meals. Maybe it's "lunchtime" and that's your motivation. Maybe you're hungry. Or maybe it's because you're feeling anxious or stressed. Try to figure out the reason. 
• Be honest with yourself. This is probably one of the hardest, but if you read the first three, it's something they all have in common. You probably will not like what you're thinking. That's okay. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're working to change it. 
• Work on changing those thoughts. This was the hardest part for me. Changing the "you're a failure" and "you really can't do this" into something else. Every time I'd finish a package or container of something, there'd be such immense guilt. And these were the thoughts that would run through my head. You can rewrite these thoughts. And I know I'm getting close to motivational speaker territory, here, but go with it. There's a whole lot of grey area between success and failure. For me, failure was to keep doing what I was doing. Anything other than that was closer to success . So sometimes it's making just one small decision to do something different. 

Below is a chart, as a starter. There's tons of great resources online for food tracking too like Sparkpeople or MyFitnessPal. Don't stress about calories and all the specifics, yet. That is important, but one step at a time. I counted calories for a long time before I was honest with myself about what I was actually counting and what I couldn't even admit to myself that I was eating. So try it. Just for 3 days. See how it goes. I'm not a nutritionist, or a psychologist, or an expert on anything- but I am someone that would eat a box of donuts in a sitting. 

Meal	How much?	What you’re eating	Motivation
Breakfast
Lunch
Dinner
Snack

Do you have any tips or ideas that work for you?

Setting a Goal

So I've thought a lot throughout this journey about setting a goal. For me, the main issue is health. I want to be proud when I go to the doctor, not cry when they confront me about my weight (that even happened once when I went in with an ear infection). So being a size [whatever] is a nice perk, but not my goal.

But I think it's important to have something to aim for. I'm the type of person that needs to see numbers and statistics. I would make excel graphs all day if I could. But that's me. So having a set number as my goal is important to me.

My number is 159. According to most of the research I've done it's the very top of the "normal range" for my height (5'7). It's also not far off from the Weight Watchers goal weight they gave me in high school (158). It would make my BMI about 29.9. Now I know BMI is controversial in a number of ways. It basically only takes into account height and weight and doesn't necessarily equate with overall health.  There are tons of BMI calculators on the web, so take your pick- but my personal suggestion is to try a few and pick a number in between if you're getting differing results

Now I also want to say, when I reach 159, that doesn't mean I'm calling it quits. I think that's something important to remember. Whenever I set a goal and reach it, I reassess and figure out what my new goal is. Maybe it'll be maintaining, but I'll have to make that decision when I get there. I just want to get out of the unhealthy ranges.

Goals don't have to be numbers. Sometimes goals are achievements. One of mine was to go into a store and be able to just shop in the regular section. Notwithstanding the stretchy XXL t-shirt in the regular section, cause that's totally a cheat. But be able to go in and try something unforgiving, like a pair of jeans. That happened for me in the fall. I went into an Old Navy. I was so self-conscious thinking people were looking at me wondering what I was doing shopping in the store. As some background, the last pair of jeans I had purchased were a size 24. So I nervously went and grabbed the largest size they had- a 20. They were too big. I contained my excitement and basically ran from the dressing room back to the shelf and grabbed an 18. They fit. I was wearing jeans that were not the biggest size in the store. I cried. Literally. I was standing in an Old Navy dressing room, in pants I didn't own, crying.

Now those jeans require a belt. So goals are different for everyone, but considering having not only numeric goals, but life goals too. What are your goals?

First

So I've tried at blogs before.

I've tried to write for other people, figuring out what they wanted. And then after abandoning blog after blog, I realized that wasn't working.

So this is an experiment of sorts. To try and write solely for me and invite whomever stumbles across this blog, along for the ride.

So about me. I am a twenty-something grad student with a history of terrible eating habits. Then, last summer, it all changed. I stopped my pattern of disordered -and to be quite blunt about it binge- eating. I was never diagnosed, because I never sought help, but when you meet basically all the criteria, you know something's not right.

I wish I could tell you precisely what changed in my life so you could replicate it and be successful, but I can't. Mostly because I can't pinpoint it entirely myself, but also in part because this journey is so personal that what motivates me may be meaningless to you.

Over the summer, I spent some time with a friend who was a really great role model. I don't think they even realize what an impact they had on me, but in just doing what they do, it really inspired me to rethink the way I thought about food and health. Maybe sometime, when I get enough courage, I'll thank them. I'm really kind of private with my goals and successes (and failures), but I'll get into that later.

I've flirted with vegetarianism for about the last 6 years, but out of convenience to others,  I never stuck with it. (If you notice, the theme of me trying to do things for other people- it's a recurring one). But I've been vegetarian since last summer now. I'll be entirely honest, my motivations are primarily taste. I just don't like meat. I was the kind of person that would dissect meat if there were veins or discolored bits. And as much as I love to cook, the closest I would get to a piece of raw meat was a pair of tongs. The other part  is health related. I find that when I stay away from meat, I generally eat healthier things. It almost forces me to be more conscious of my food choices, and when I do that I generally make better decisions.

I've lost 64.9 pounds since last July. That is more weight than every single previous attempt. Combined. I still have a long way to go. But I no longer weigh 316 pounds. And although there's still a bit of anxiety when I say that, it's outweighed (ha!) by the pride.