Some Weeks Will be Tough: The Bad

This week has been very up and down. Literally and figuratively.

My best friend/ motivator is on vacation this week and it's been hard not checking in with her all day. I knew it was going to be hard, but I thought I was stronger. The first few days were good- my weight's been up and down for the last few weeks, hovering around 240 +/-1, so I was trying not to focus on the numbers. I did a  4 mile walk on both Wednesday and Thursday. And I've been kinda stressed out with school/work so I forgot how much that helps me zone out and focus on myself for a bit.


The low point would probably be yesterday around 3pm. I was early for an appointment and I was sitting in my car, and I had a brownie sitting next to me. At least let me say I did not buy the brownie. It was a gift from a friend (who hasn't spent much time around me lately cause then she'd know that's not exactly on my food wish list. But she gave it to me. I left it in my car. It was individually wrapped, purchased off of QVC. It sat in my car for 18 days. I just realized how long that is. That kind of makes it more gross. But I ate it. All of it. And I wasn't hungry. I tried to stop halfway through, but I kept eating. I hate feeling out of control with food, and I haven't felt like that in a very long time. The last time I binged was around July of last year. And although I realize one coconut topped brownie baked by Satan isn't a binge, I just recognized that out of control feeling and couldn't handle it. It's been awhile since I've had to "write off a day" but that was yesterday. And I went home and ate dinner, 1 cup of ww pasta and 1 cup roasted vegetables, which isn't terrible, but if I could have skipped dinner without people questioning me, I would have. I ended up about 1700 for the day which isn't terrible, but I try to stick at 1200-1300 everyday. And when I looked at the scale today, I saw the consequences. 239.5, whereas I was 238.3 yesterday. And I know weight fluctuates daily, but I also know that fluctuation is all on me.

The worst part about it? After my walk I weighed myself. 237.5. That's my official halfway point. Halfway to goal. I guess I have to deal with some latent self-sabotage issues.


I also had some good things happen this week- I'll post about them later, because there's been good things, and I can't forget those either.

How to Deal with Binge Eating

If you read my first entry, you know that my relationship with food hasn't always been a healthy one. And it's taken awhile to get to a point where I do have a healthier outlook in regards to my eating. For a really long time I'd eat unhealthy junk, and I'd know exactly why I was eating it, but I just kept cycling and let's just say my coping skills were called "Eat and Repeat".

And I had my skills. I'd rationalize it to myself in my head, like "Oh, you're buying a dozen donuts to bring to work, right?". Well, that's what I was hoping the cashier was thinking. And I'd only buy junk food at stores with self-checkouts. I've never admitted any of this until now, actually, but I think it's important. Because if you do this kind of stuff, you're not alone. And that's really how I felt for a long time. I knew exactly what I was doing to myself, and how terrible I'd feel afterwards, but I'd still do it. And I felt like I was the only one.

I know this was the one big thing that kept me from being successful every time before. And before I could get healthier, I knew this was something I'd have to confront. So I did. And I did it on my own. But I don't recommend it.  If I were to do it again, I would have sought counseling. Because as much as this is about food, it's about what's going on emotionally. And I know I could have gotten to this point a lot sooner had I taken that step.

If you're not sure if you're ready to take the step of going to see someone or maybe you're not sure it's a problem. I have a few first steps that worked for me. And if anything about my story sounds familiar, I can only hope they may help you.

• Start to take a look at your eating patterns. If you're not doing it already, write down what/how much you're eating. Everything. When you have to write down that you ate 21 cookies, that's hard. 
• Buy a scale. Use it. Even now, I still try and think about cheating myself. But if I'm weighing what I'm eating, I have a harder time rationalizing it to myself. It's a lot easier to lie to yourself when something "looks" like a cup. It's really not a cup. 
• Look at why you're eating. My suggestion is to put another little column next to your meals. Maybe it's "lunchtime" and that's your motivation. Maybe you're hungry. Or maybe it's because you're feeling anxious or stressed. Try to figure out the reason. 
• Be honest with yourself. This is probably one of the hardest, but if you read the first three, it's something they all have in common. You probably will not like what you're thinking. That's okay. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're working to change it. 
• Work on changing those thoughts. This was the hardest part for me. Changing the "you're a failure" and "you really can't do this" into something else. Every time I'd finish a package or container of something, there'd be such immense guilt. And these were the thoughts that would run through my head. You can rewrite these thoughts. And I know I'm getting close to motivational speaker territory, here, but go with it. There's a whole lot of grey area between success and failure. For me, failure was to keep doing what I was doing. Anything other than that was closer to success . So sometimes it's making just one small decision to do something different. 

Below is a chart, as a starter. There's tons of great resources online for food tracking too like Sparkpeople or MyFitnessPal. Don't stress about calories and all the specifics, yet. That is important, but one step at a time. I counted calories for a long time before I was honest with myself about what I was actually counting and what I couldn't even admit to myself that I was eating. So try it. Just for 3 days. See how it goes. I'm not a nutritionist, or a psychologist, or an expert on anything- but I am someone that would eat a box of donuts in a sitting. 

Meal	How much?	What you’re eating	Motivation
Breakfast
Lunch
Dinner
Snack

Do you have any tips or ideas that work for you?

Breakfast

I never used to be much of a breakfast person. It was always something I felt obligated to do, and did- well some of the time. Even in high school, my parents would voice concern when I wasn't eating a regular breakfast. And when I did eat breakfast it would be something quick- some cereal off the shelf, or an egg and cheese (possibly with some sort of questionable breakfast meat) from a convenience store. Not really good food choices. Even when I started eating healthier, breakfast was still somewhat of a chore. I would go through phases, eating the same thing every single day until I ran out of whatever or couldn't handle day 26 of the same cereal.

Then I, in the midst of some procrastinatory blog reading, I came across Chocolate Covered Katie . Thanks to her, I actually like oatmeal now. Before trying out some of her oatmeal recipes I was fairly convinced that all oatmeal had the consistency/taste of wallpaper paste flavored with freeze dried apple cinnamon. If you're not a breakfast person, you will become one.

Now I really try to be creative with my breakfasts, so it's a treat- not an obligation. I'll switch it up and do oatmeal one day and pancakes the next. Then maybe an egg day (I'm an egg-beaters kinda gal) with lots of vegetables. I also plan ahead. I'll browse on my phone before bed and look up some breakfast recipes to get some inspiration for the next morning. It's hard not to be excited when you've got cookie dough baked oatmeal for breakfast!


Some other breakfast ideas:
Real Simple 9 Healthy Breakfasts
Undressed Skeleton on Breakfast
Chocolate Covered Katie Breakfasts (2nd sub-heading)
Sparkpeople Breakfast Ideas

Healthy Find: PB2

While I don't entirely condone "diet foods" (i.e. snackwells and their fat free, yet 'not a low calorie food' can suck it), if someone makes something I'm already going to eat, healthier, I won't fight them on it.

Prime example, peanut butter. It tastes good. It's high in protein, however it's high in fat as well. And while it has "good fats", it just doesn't always fit into my daily intake. And that makes me a bit sad. So enter, PB2. 

This stuff is amazing- and it is peanut butter. The nutrition facts are as follows:

PB2: Powdered Peanut Butter
Ingredients: Roasted peanuts, sugar and salt.
Serving size: 2 Tablespoons (12 grams)
Servings per container: 15
Amount per 2 Tablespoon serving (when mixed with water):
Calories: 45
Calories from fat: 13

Chocolate PB2
Ingredients: Roasted peanuts, cocoa powder, sugar and salt.
Serving size: 2 Tablespoons (12 grams)
Servings per container: 15
Amount per 2 Tablespoon serving (when mixed with water):
Calories: 45
Calories from fat: 10

I personally use it to mix into smoothies (PB2 & banana with vanilla is a favorite), or anywhere I'd use peanut butter. It tastes a little more like natural peanut butter, in regard to texture, rather than super-creamy peanut butter. But I really like it. I got it on Amazon PB2 Powdered Peanut Butter and Powdered Cocoa Peanut Butter, but you can get it directly from the company as well. They have a  ton of great recipes on their website, so if you do order it, have a look for some inspiration.